What I want to say to your spirit which laughs in the wind

Joe's Favorite Day       This is Joe on the happiest day of his life. He lived four more years and loved this fish.

Today is a good day. The sun shines through the snow filled clouds and while the air is frigid, I am warm enough. I walked down the path towards the stream and thought of you. You would have liked the shallow creek that wanders through the meadow. So much life greets me here.

A large hawk perched in an old birch tree just above me. Its talons gripped the branch while its body remained still. He looked down at me and for a second I wondered, is that you? His feathers were dazzling — a dance of blacks, browns, and whites. The pattern reminded me of hundreds of eyes looking down up everything. I continued on the trail, huffing air in and out of our lungs. The hawk followed me with his eyes as I rounded the bend.  When I circled back he was still there, waiting, long wings pulled in against the bitter breeze.

As I headed home, sweating despite the cold temperatures, I felt whole even though there is heaviness in my heart.  A blue bird met me by my door. Again, we locked eyes and I wondered, is that you? I savored the blue that matched the coldness of the day and how his red breast reminded me of a small fire. Duality lives in the small creatures I meet each and every day.

Sometimes the grief of missing the life we didn’t live together is heart wrenching. Other times, I just want to share a smile or laugh with you, the person who smiles in the picture above, one more time. I know you lived for as long as you were meant to be here, but sometimes I wish I could reach through the air and grab you for one last hug.

Today, I breathe into the waves of grief, letting tears find me, and when the wave recedes, I let it go.  I remember you are everywhere now –you are the hawk in the tree and the gentleness of the bluebird that reminds me to be steady and take it slow.  You are the wind that finds my back and the beauty of sunsets that make me pause. I am grateful for the compassion I have gained as a result of all this grief and the ways I never take life for granted. My vision is keener and my heart is bigger because of you.

So while I ride this wave of grief I sit in the present that holds a burning fire of love and loss. I send out cleansing breaths of love, peace, and self-acceptance to myself and to all beings that experience suffering so that they may treasure moments shared and the importance of sitting with all that life presents us. Whether your experience is  light or dark, strong or weak, joyous or sad, you are in this very moment all that you need to be.



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