Perspective is an opportunity to see the stars

February 4, 2014

The low hanging clouds blocked out the sunrise, causing the gray bark on the trees to shine. I am at a crossroads in grief. Three weeks ago today I witnessed my grandmother’s passing. This coming Saturday is the 17th anniversary of my brother’s death by suicide. His death will be old enough to consider what tux to wear to prom, and the excitement of slipping a corsage on his dates hand. His death is old enough to contemplate graduations and what the future will feel like. I wonder what his death will graduate from or to?

The low hanging clouds press into that grief, creating a heaviness that feels oppressive. Yet, as I sit on my mat today, I contemplate the present. It is not the day of my grandmother’s passing. It is not Saturday February 8, 1997, when my soul leapt from my body when I heard the words – he’s gone. It is not even this coming Saturday when my mind will be a flood of memories of what was coupled with the somber dance of what is. Today is Tuesday February 4th. I have a choice in what I see as I honor all that I feel. I can see the clouds above my head as oppressive, or I can see them as a stairway to the stars.

As I feel the breath circulating in and out of my lungs like a slow moving river, I listen to the cars that swish along the road below me and smile, wondering what stories I’ll tell when I climb that staircase.

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6 thoughts on “Perspective is an opportunity to see the stars

  1. Lisa, I am so sorry for your loss. It is sometimes so difficult to rise above that kind of pain. I am so glad you were able to climb the stairs, past the cloud, to the stars… Perhaps to the spirit world where the souls of your loved ones reside and send you their endless love as you sit in meditation.

    • Thank you for the kind words. I believe the spirit world provided generously for me yesterday. Later in the day an amazing bluebird crossed my path as I was heading home. It was stunning in contrast to the gray day. Lots of love to you. Namaste šŸ™‚

  2. Oh what would existence be if there were only light and no darkness? The dark side of the soul forever challenges us, yet in befriending it, we are granted a broader view of the blinding brightness of the other side. I know these words are passe, and come from someone who never suffered a sibling suicide, but pass it on to someone who already knows this truth. May you be comforted in your love for those you have lost.

    • Merle, thank you for the kind words. They are anything but passe. It is true that we have to make friends with the dark side of our soul, because without it we wouldn’t recognize the light for what it is. You are a wonderful person and a great comfort. I remembered the words you shared many moons ago at HUU about the experience of your friend who was passing on (how we have to say goodbye to one, but the dying have to say goodbye to everyone). It helped me so much when my grandmother was transitioning. I was able to give her space to be in the process, honoring the labor involved in passing on. Namaste

  3. Lisa,

    You are in my thoughts this week. I know that this is tough. Your staircase to the stars serves its purpose. You are there and therefore, I join you; others join you. While the stairs might have some creaks, they represent a life that has lived, that has loved, that can understand the weight of pain. Your experiences make it comfortable for us to walk with you. Because the staircase has been somewhat tarnished by life’s harsh moments, others can connect as they hold onto its shaky, but reliable railing. This is why we are friends. You get it, but you move ahead. And you remind me to do the same. Beautiful entry, Lisa.

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